I May Never Know
words and music: Terry Scott Taylor
©2018 Shape Of Air Music, BMI
In this old message you’re alive
The jokes, the laughter, and the lies
If I’d said something true and wise
Could I have saved you?
Now I
May never know
There's a flaming sword that bars my way
Back to what it was; to those kids at play
Could that memory have birthed the words to say
That would have healed you?
Now I
May never know

And now I’ll cry
That's all I can do for now, and so
I will cry
Because I
May never know

We can die before we’re dead
Form fossil hearts as hard as lead
Did I feed the thing I came to dread?
Should I have starved you?
Now I
May never know
The night’s a tyrant, the day’s a thief
Stealing all but the weight of grief
Was this the only way that peace
Could embrace you?
Now I
May never know

And now I’ll cry
That’s all I can do for now, and so
I will cry
Because I
May never know
Because I
May never know
Because I
May never know
May never know


note:
The tsunami of grief rolls in; a dear friend or family member has died and all you can really do for now is to try not to drown in it, but to ride it out the best you can. It is human nature to go to a place of guilt and regret when these great losses occur; “I should have hung out with him more,” “If only I had said (this or that) to her,” “I should have returned his call,” “I should have been a better friend (or father, mother, son, or daughter).” In all of these “I should haves” there may well be something of the truth, but we must remember that it is the one who is gone who, (more likely than not, since you so highly regard them in the first place), is the kind of person who would be the first to forgive you for your failings because he or she understood, as we all understand, that among our many self-deceptions is the thought that there is still plenty of time to do the things we know we ought not put off; those real-stuff-of-life things we postpone, in some cases, out of fear and guilt or, as is most often the situation. because of our hectic and distracted lives, which also happen to be fragile and fleeting. Death is a terrible grace that reminds us of the mortality we all share, and in so doing separates the wheat from the chaff by prioritizing the important stuff over the unimportant stuff or, at the very least, the least important stuff. In going on, we will try to do better in the days ahead; that’s all we can do, but in order to do so it is crucial that we make the effort to keep in mind that if God can and does forgive us our failures in all of this, then it is incumbent upon us to forgive ourselves. I’m in the struggle of trying to do so even as I write this.

“I May Never Know” is something like a diary entry in that it is an honest confession in real time of my thoughts and emotions regarding the death, a few days ago, of a precious friend. Some of these thoughts and emotions may be transitory; perhaps I won’t feel quite the same way tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but right now this is as honest as I can be.

Thank you my friends for letting me continue to share my grief with you, and thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers.
TST